About 12 years into my recovery — so that would be around 8 years ago — I was convinced I was working a strong program; maintaining contact with my sponsor, sponsoring others, going to meetings and being active in the Fellowship of AA. However, I also found myself in the depths of a relapse that I didn’t see coming. For those of you who know my story and never thought that relapse was part of it, you are partially right! I have never relapsed on drugs or alcohol; my relapse was of the spiritual variety. So, in the great tradition of AA — I’ll tell you what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like today.

What it Was Like

When I got sober in 1989, I fully surrendered to the idea that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol and to regain my sanity, I would have to pursue my recovery with the same gusto that I pursued my addiction. I quickly got a sponsor and began working the Steps. I took a variety of jobs to support myself, many of those in and around the recovery community. My life was indeed restored to sanity; or so I thought.

I lived in a great little 2 bedroom apartment near some of the best AA meetings in Los Angeles. I had colorful sober roommates and a wonderful dog, Onyx. From all outside appearances, I had been lifted up from the depths of alcohol and crystal meth addiction. The night that the demons started whispering in my ear, they came out of nowhere — or so I thought. I heard them say, “Ken, your life would be wonderful if only you were in a relationship.” “Ken, you will be fully happy if only you have a million dollars in the bank.” “Ken, you’re not good enough until you drive a Mercedes Benz.”

Although I was prepared to deal with whispers like, “One drink will make it all OK.” (I knew that meetings and the Fellowship would help me there.) I was vulnerable to demons of the spiritual variety. I responded NOT by going to more meetings or working with my sponsor, but by prowling the internet looking for love and throwing myself into my career. Of course, I now know that yearnings which rely on other people, places or things will create a deep level of dissatisfaction in anyone’s life!

What Happened

At my lowest point and in a deep depression, I considered taking my life. In fact, I went so far as to purchase a gun. Before making the ultimate mistake, I reached out to a doctor friend and asked for some medication to make the depression and dark unhappiness go away. He said he would consider giving me medication, but not before I meditated for one hour every day. He closely monitored me and coached me in developing my meditation skills. I prayed and meditated and established a contact with my Higher Power that was unlike any I experienced before. Soon, I was asking for more meditation — not medication and thus began my practice which goes on to this day.

What it’s Like Today

Through this process of daily prayer and meditation, I am generally at peace with myself and the world around me. I realize that any of the material wealth I accumulate or creature comforts I experience are fleeting and transitional. I fully embrace the spiritual nature of AA — and the Eleventh Step, in particular.

I meditate each morning and am quiet enough to hear (sometimes) what God’s plan is for me today. I pray before each intervention to have God guide me to say and do the right things for the alcoholic/addict and his family.

My life opened up and changed dramatically. But this time, it opened from the inside out. I am blessed today with wonderful relationship, a career in recovery that I adore and a life that I couldn’t have imagined in the dark days 8 years ago. Do I have bad days? Of course I do! Was I saddened when I lost Onyx? Yes, I was deeply saddened. The major difference between now and years ago is that I have the tools of prayer and meditation at work in my life on a daily basis.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 9th, 2009 at 2:15 pm and is filed under 12 Step, Alcohol, Intervention, Recovery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.