Near where I live there is a stream.  It  rages and surges and swells as it winds its way.  It is not uncommon to see folks along it’s banks picnicking, fishing, or just sitting to watch the water on it’s journey.  For the more brave of heart, it’s a great place to canoe.  Before it continues it’s trek to the Mississippi, via ever building waters, it pours into a calm and peaceful lake that was created by a damn on the far end of town.

One day one of these brave souls entered the stream quite some distance up from town. He had one goal in mind:  Paddle to the Mississippi.  The water was high, the rapids were churning.  He had second thoughts at first, but steeling up his courage he finally entered the river. It was difficult at first, torturous.  It took all of his effort and concentration to keep on course or even from capsizing. He paid attention to every swirl, every rock, every tree branch.  But as time went on it got easier and he got better at the challenge, even to the point where he could begin to enjoy some of the scenery.

Still, he was so relieved when he reached the lake.  The waters were still, just a ripple from the gentle breeze, and the sun was out.  Ducks and geese were paddling along the shoreline.  He noticed a Mom and Dad trying to teach their little one to swim and he laughed out loud at their mixed results.  A campfire burned on the shoreline off to the side of him and people were roasting hot dogs.

Sliding his paddle through the struts and into the canoe, he lay back to bask in the sunshine.  And to make a long story short, next thing he knew, he was wet and battered at the bottom of the dam.

WHY did this happen?  Did he have a broken paddle?  No.  A defective canoe?  No.  Was the river or the obstacles in it to blame?  What about the dam?  Again no. (Actually, dams are good, they are a gift, a service.  They provide opportunities for drinking water, and fishing, and relaxing.)  So why?  He had become complacent, he had lost sight of his goal.

DID this happen?  No, although the stream, the lake and the dam really do exist here where I live.

But then again….

I got in the stream of recovery back in the 70’s.  It wasn’t all clear sailing and in fact, very rough at times.  We all have rocks, and branches, and eddies that can take us down. Don’t we?  But I was motivated, focused, there was a lot at stake.  I was shot out of a cannon.  Months passed, years went by.  Life was good, life is good.

I know and know of people who, when things go wrong, it becomes their “reason” to go out and drink or use to console themselves.  I also know those who, when things are great, that is their “reason” to go out a celebrate with their substance of choice. That is not, nor has that been me. Frankly, I am not the kind of person that is easily battered by circumstances.  And I am not prone to overreact when things are great.  The good and the bad that life brings my way are just that, life.  And in fact, when it comes to recovery I have learned that those are times that call for extra concentration and diligence.  But despite that, and to make another long story short, one day I woke up at the bottom of a dam.

This is my parable.  Each of us need to figure out how it applies, and what is really the stream and rocks and lakes and dams in our lives.  I am not going to psychoanalyze all the how’s and why’s of this right now, except to say this:  I had become complacent. And I got a wake up call without causing myself or anyone else irreparable harm.  Is God gracious or what.

Want to know the funniest (not Ha Ha funny) part of the whole thing?  Next to the river, at the bottom of the dam is the local AA building. (FOR REAL, no really!).  I mean, does God have a sense of humor or what?  After living in many places over the many years, I “find” myself (and isn’t that one of the things God does, help us find ourselves?) living in a town where I am constantly reminded to be alert, keep focused, and to keep paddling my little  recovery canoe one day at a time.

Weird, huh….(or is it?)

About 12 years into my recovery — so that would be around 8 years ago — I was convinced I was working a strong program; maintaining contact with my sponsor, sponsoring others, going to meetings and being active in the Fellowship of AA. However, I also found myself in the depths of a relapse that I didn’t see coming. For those of you who know my story and never thought that relapse was part of it, you are partially right! I have never relapsed on drugs or alcohol; my relapse was of the spiritual variety. So, in the great tradition of AA — I’ll tell you what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like today.

What it Was Like

When I got sober in 1989, I fully surrendered to the idea that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol and to regain my sanity, I would have to pursue my recovery with the same gusto that I pursued my addiction. I quickly got a sponsor and began working the Steps. I took a variety of jobs to support myself, many of those in and around the recovery community. My life was indeed restored to sanity; or so I thought.

I lived in a great little 2 bedroom apartment near some of the best AA meetings in Los Angeles. I had colorful sober roommates and a wonderful dog, Onyx. From all outside appearances, I had been lifted up from the depths of alcohol and crystal meth addiction. The night that the demons started whispering in my ear, they came out of nowhere — or so I thought. I heard them say, “Ken, your life would be wonderful if only you were in a relationship.” “Ken, you will be fully happy if only you have a million dollars in the bank.” “Ken, you’re not good enough until you drive a Mercedes Benz.”

Although I was prepared to deal with whispers like, “One drink will make it all OK.” (I knew that meetings and the Fellowship would help me there.) I was vulnerable to demons of the spiritual variety. I responded NOT by going to more meetings or working with my sponsor, but by prowling the internet looking for love and throwing myself into my career. Of course, I now know that yearnings which rely on other people, places or things will create a deep level of dissatisfaction in anyone’s life!

What Happened

At my lowest point and in a deep depression, I considered taking my life. In fact, I went so far as to purchase a gun. Before making the ultimate mistake, I reached out to a doctor friend and asked for some medication to make the depression and dark unhappiness go away. He said he would consider giving me medication, but not before I meditated for one hour every day. He closely monitored me and coached me in developing my meditation skills. I prayed and meditated and established a contact with my Higher Power that was unlike any I experienced before. Soon, I was asking for more meditation — not medication and thus began my practice which goes on to this day.

What it’s Like Today

Through this process of daily prayer and meditation, I am generally at peace with myself and the world around me. I realize that any of the material wealth I accumulate or creature comforts I experience are fleeting and transitional. I fully embrace the spiritual nature of AA — and the Eleventh Step, in particular.

I meditate each morning and am quiet enough to hear (sometimes) what God’s plan is for me today. I pray before each intervention to have God guide me to say and do the right things for the alcoholic/addict and his family.

My life opened up and changed dramatically. But this time, it opened from the inside out. I am blessed today with wonderful relationship, a career in recovery that I adore and a life that I couldn’t have imagined in the dark days 8 years ago. Do I have bad days? Of course I do! Was I saddened when I lost Onyx? Yes, I was deeply saddened. The major difference between now and years ago is that I have the tools of prayer and meditation at work in my life on a daily basis.